Hello Monkey Face

GUESS WHAT I DID?
Yes, I went to visit my mother.

First though, I got off my a$$ and called the cable company today to remove the phone and lower the channels on her subscription.

After yelling at the automated lady on the phone to get me a freaking REAL person, I still had to press five more buttons, listen to Time-Warner tell me how Tom Terrific they are for ten minutes, and then TELL THE REAL PERSON EVERYTHING I ALREADY TOLD THE AUTOMATED PERSON...

We commence:

- Hi my name is Chrystal (silent 'H", she told me later), how can I help you?
Me: I need to remove the phone and change the channel subscription on this account.
- Phone number and address on the account?
Me: (oh I got this one - wrote the phone number on the bill, clever little me) blah blah blah
- Last four of her social?
Me: (CRAP! oh wait...I have that tattooed on my inner right thigh) blah
- She's saving $20 a month, she's getting a good deal 
Me: (How in the world is $108 a month a GOOD DEAL?!) Really? Well that's great, but she no longer knows how to use the phone.
- I understand
Me: (no, you fu@king don't) She has dementia, she can't dial and doesn't know to answer it if it rings.
- I understand.
Me: (OMG)
- Does she have another phone for emergencies, like a cell phone?
Me: [voice raising an octave] She lives in a facility, they have all the emergency phones she'll ever need in there.
- I understand
Me: (blood pressure goes up a couple of points)
- Her name is unusual (says Chrystal with the silent "H"), is that a nickname?
Me: It's a [very common] nickname for ______________ (Mom spelled it with a zi instead of the normal sy)
- Now kids are named Apple and...(at this point I just drift off)...so without the phone it would be $69.62 (I snap back to the conversation) and just the local channels would be $21.19. 
Me: Ding ding ding - we have a winner!
- You need to return the modem within three business days or they will charge you for it. Would you like the address of the nearest equipment drop off location?
Me: (no, why would I want that?!) Yes, thank you very much.
(We then have to determine that I am not in Columbia SC)
- Here's the phone number for that location.
Me: Great! Thanks Chrystal with a silent "H". (It will turn out that when the number given above is called - it routes you right back to the main 800, making it impossible for the very nice man in Morrisville to give me a landmark for a location in Chapel Hill.)

I agree to do the survey and give her all 5's (the best).

Then I MAKE MYSELF go to CB to get the modem.

We watch Say Yes to The Dress (Atlanta) and HGTV in her room while we play with dolls.

After telling this baby it looked like a monkey, (making me guffaw), she decided its name might be Baby. (Bunky was the other tiny baby that she really doesn't like)
She said we were "dumb and some".
I see a Jim Carrey movie in there somewhere.