My mother is a carnivore from waaaaay back. Nothing makes her happier than a slab o' meat and some mashed taters. So when I came into some coupons for Longhorn Steakhouse, we just had to go.
Longhorn's gimmick is a bucket of un-shelled roasted peanuts at your table.
Well Mom thought that was just Christmas done come early. It was like she was part squirrel the way she kept eating them.
Which was before and after she'd devoured a six ounce steak, what looked to be about one and half cups of mashed potatoes, a roll, and two glasses of sweet tea.
Then she said she needed to go somewhere to get some new lips. Naturally I suggested a plastic surgeon. Wrong answer. Can you guess?
That's right boys and girls - she wanted some new lipstick.
I don't know what happened to the dozens of Clinque lipsticks my sister and I moved last year, but by golly all she had was the three in her purse.
She says "those girls take them". Yep, they bypass all the jewelry you have laying around and steal your used-old-lady-colors lipstick (and your snacks). Those darn girls. I will slap that stolen lipstick right off their faces.
Off we go to Kohl's. I make her get in a wheelchair because I don't see how she can walk being so full of meat and peanuts. We have fun too, almost like old times. I laugh, she laughs. Which is kinda dangerous, because laughing sometimes leads to farting which leads to more laughing which leads to more farting...you get the picture. Another good reason for the wheelchair - the muffle factor.
The next week we go back to Longhorn, but for dinner this time. Again with the stuffing of the face with the peanuts. A bigger steak, plus five shrimp, plus a salad, plus a roll, plus the cup and a half of mashed potatoes. Holy hell where is she putting all that?! I ate about a third of the salad and one shrimp, the rest was all her.
I had stacked the buckets together to make room for all the food and the server thought we were done with them. As she walked off with them Mom says, "That little bitch!"
Oh my god, unsweet tea almost came out of my nose. Poor girl, she didn't know she was dealing with Chipmunk Mom. Who, by the way, had squirreled (ha ha) away a pile in her lap. So, after eating ALL that food, she still had some peanuts left for dessert.
I gave her a bag of peanuts in the shell for Christmas, but I don't think she remembered why. Her eyes sure did light up though.
Maybe she is part squirrel.