Skip to the present

I'll go back to the past in a bit.

The newest thing in the downward slide of my mother's dementia is that she doesn't remember how to spell her name. Seriously, how f***ed is that? This is more depressing to me than a lot of other stuff that's happened. Not being able to count money was pretty bad (she put down a $10 bill for a $26 tab and asked the cashier "Is that enough, because I don't know how much it is."), but this is worse somehow. (On the [dimly] bright side, at least she knows what her name is.) She always had beautiful penmanship and now that's shaky and weird too. I could cry right now just thinking about it.

I've had people say they would pray that I see my mother as she was. NO! NO! NO!
She is THIS WAY NOW and frankly it's torture to think of her in the past. I want that back and I can't have it. The only way to do it is to be here now. In all its uncomfortable, sad, messy nowness. Yikes.