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7/23/11

Bittersweet

Forgive me readers for I have sinned. It has been twenty-two days since I've seen my mother.
Is there absolution for that?

WHY is it so hard to go over there?
Don't answer that, I know why.

The real question is:
WHY am I such a fecking baby about it?

My head is full of everything and nothing, deep thoughts that swim away as soon as I open a New Post, restless and guilty, and nestling up to the dull knife blade of melancholia.
Still I don't go.

I think back twenty years ago, when she was my age. What was she doing? Retired, back in her ancestral homeland of Florida, going to plays with Etta Mae, being the treasurer of TOPS, kids all  raised, a few grandchildren, husband not totally sick yet. My grandmother was of sound, if cranky, mind and living independently.

Then I beat myself up a bit for not selling her house sooner. For not dropping the price sooner, for losing all that money. For not having the hindsight to see this was happening before it was too far gone. For not seeing the behavioral changes for what they were.

I KNOW. Stop.
This solves nothing, serves no purpose. Yet I do it anyway.
Sigh.

"...we don't tell each other all the little things that we need; we work our way around each other as we tremble and we bleed..."

3 comments:

  1. One day at a time Kim. Sometimes for me it has been one minute at a time. Deep breath and start again.
    Hang in there!

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  2. Kathiey was right Kim. Sometimes we get this block that will not let us do things that we know we should for whatever reason. Lord knows I have been down that same path. Just take one day at a time and get back into it slowly.

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  3. There's not much you can do about this resistance, right? I mean there are good reasons for it. I'm sorry it's so hard, but if it weren't hard, would that make sense or would it be cause to worry about yourself?
    Have a little gulp of summer if it's not too crazy hot there. What people did twenty years ago doesn't matter now and doesn't in any way make you a bad person.

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