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I Won't Lie

Yesterday evening was tough. All day I've been antsy, (along with itchy and prickly), just thinking about it.

I did go over Sunday. She had just "gone down for a nap" - it truly is aging in reverse. I sat with her for a bit and watched Gandhi while she slept. Then I took the clothes that weren't hers that someone had put BACK IN HER ROOM in the dresser that STILL ISN'T FIXED and dumped them in my backseat. Because it pissed me off. And carrying those clothes around with me in the car is going to fix that.

Did I tell you about the dresser? I don't remember. You probably don't either. So here goes - possibly again.
When I went to get her some clothes for her return from the hospital in October, three of the four drawers had the fronts off. Two were off completely and propped up nicely on the side of the dresser. One is hanging lopsided. Those drawers opened really easy, so how in the world did the fronts got ripped off?! It's not a family heirloom, it's from Target, but still, WTH.
Housekeeping was supposed to take a look at it - last month. I can get over there with some Gorilla Glue, but dang it, I DON'T WANT TO.

So, yesterday.

I went over for supper. We're at a new table in the other dining room now. I don't like it. It's the table where people get fed. It's a sad table. No one talks.
No nonsensical conversations, no humming, no Myrtle saying, "Would it kill them to give us some dessert?!"

In between trying to interest Mom in something, I fed "Emily", the lady next to her; she doesn't speak, has beautiful porcelain skin. Sometimes she takes a spoon and TAP tap tap taptaptaptaps on the table. Or claps her hands.
What if she is one of those people who wants to eat all their beans, then all their stuffing? Sorry, no choice now. She opens her mouth for every bite.

Mom had one bite of chicken, several bites of chocolate ice cream, several of fruit cocktail. She nodded off between bites.
Her language is pretty much gone.
She makes noises. Every now and then an recognizable word breaks through. A yes or no. The occasional hey.
She's shrinking, turning in on herself, a little doodlebug.

Jesus. I thought it sucked before, but this, this...dissolving, like sugar in cold tea, is slow and fucked up.


  1. Kim I wish I had words to express to you how your post make me feel. I wonder if in your place I would be as good of daughter and friend and person. I started reading your blogs because our mothers are friends and my mother doesn't " do the computer business" and of course since my father passed I am here to help. I feel overwhelmed with my work and relationship and her needs trying to fit in my own somewhere and at the moment failing. I am in awe of your fortitude.
    I wish you all the best, strength & love

  2. My heart goes out to you, as I know that I must follow on the same miserable road you are on. I am the daughter of "Myrtle."